The Stormcock Community

Scene 3

 

Int. staffroon. Day One. Morning. Studio.

This is a bright cheery staffroom with comfy chairs, coffee tables, notices on the wall and a sink in the corner with coffee stuff. There are five women in the room, but we'll only meet three. Linda Sweet [40 ish] is at her pigeon hole, Wendy Youngblood [22] and Clare Tunney [late 20's] crosses to Helen as she enters.

CLARE   Helen. Saviour. I'm meant to be doing square roots with my class next and I was just wondering...what are they?

Clare gives a look to cam.

CLARE   I've looked them up and I just don't get it.

HELEN   [To cam] This is the thing about teaching Juniors - you have to teach them everything, even though you only specialised  in one subject. Clare specialised in PE. Everything else_

[She does that "way over the head" gesture then turns to Clare] - Each number is the square of another number multiplied by itself.

[Clare looks blank] So for instance four is two multiplied by two. So four is the square of two. And so two is the square root of four.

[To cam as Clare stares] If she was in hospital they'd be switching the life support off around now.

CLARE   So what's the square root of two?

HELEN   Ah well then you're into decimals.

CLARE   Oh no. Not decimals please. Please not d....

HELEN   Clare you've got  to do decimals sometime.

CLARE   I can't

HELEN   You've got to

CLARE   Oh God. I'm getting all sweaty just thinking about it.

HELEN   [Opening her case] Look here's a worksheet. Just give them that.

CLARE   Thanks Helen.

HELEN   Courage mon brave....

[Clare looks blank] It's French.

They are distracted by the off-screen sound of Linda clapping her hands and calling.

LINDA [Barely suppressed rage] Excuse me everyone.

[We see Linda by the sink] Everyone, if I could have your attention for one moment  please. I have an important announcement. My mug is missing. My blue mug. That is my mug and someone has removed it.

HELEN  [To cam] The two most serious crimes a teachercan commit are (a) Killing a pupil and (b) Using another teacher's mug. And (b) is the biggie.

LINDA   [shaking] I don't know who and I don't know why but I cannot take much more of this.

HELEN   [Crossing to her] It's all right Linda

LINDA   Life's hard enough as it is Helen, without this.

HELEN   I know, I know.

LINDA   I've got an impossible job, the most difficult class in the school.

HELEN   You've got the infants Linda. They're five.

LINDA   Exactly. Five year old animals. They run around., they won't sit still. Two of them are in nappies. They're five for God's sake!

HELEN   I know

LINDA   I'm a teacher. I'm not meant to do nappies.

HELEN   There, there, it's all right.

Wendy comes up with a blue mug.

WENDY   Sorry is this your mug?

HELEN   [To Linda as a child] There you are Linda. There's your mug.

Linda takes it like a comfort blanket.

WENDY   Sorry I didn't realise

LINDA   One more thing like that and believe me I'll tip right over

[Turns to Wendy] I've left my Prozac at home, can I have one of yours?

WENDY   I'm not on Prozac

LINDA   But you're a teacher

WENDY   Well yes but.... I'm not on Prozac

LINDA   You soon will be.

Linda goes off to get her coffee. Helen turns to Wendy. 

 HELEN   Thanks. You must be Wendy. Cherry's replacment.

WENDY  [Nods indicating Linda] Is she ok? She doen't seem to like children. Sorry, I just cannot understand that.

HELEN   [Turns to cam] At last - a sane teacher.

WENDY   Children are angels in human form, sent from our good Lord above.

HELEN   [To cam] Spoke too soon

The staffroom door opens and Colin Sawyer, the headteacher [mid 40's, fancies himself] enters.

COLIN   Right. Ladies. I just have a couple of notices.

Linda is busy with her coffee. He leans across. If I could just have your attention for a _

LINDA   I'm getting a coffee!

COLIN   Right. Right. First I'd like to welcome our new member of staff - Miss Youngblood

Wendy smiles.

This is Miss Youngblood's first job and as we all know the first three years of teaching are the worst - a complete and total nightmare - so best of luck. You'll need it.

He smiles at her. She's now not smiling.

COLIN   And second - in accordance with LEA guidelines, please remember this is an open school. Parents and prospective parents can come in at any time. I try to stop them, but the bastards sneak in anyway. So please look as if you know what you are doing. Also, one thing prospective parents like to see is pupils' work up on the walls. So let's impress them them eh? From now on I only want the work of the bright pupils up there.

[Helen stares] Low achievers - say well done and lock it in the drawer. And if you don't have enough bright pupils I hav some excllent work from other schools which you can stick up instead.

[He holds up a sheaf of children's work] Right, That's all.

HELEN   Work from other schools???

CLARE   Brilliant.

[Going] I'll see what he's got.

LINDA   Well I'm sorry but I think it's a bloody cheek.

[Helen looks relieved] Expecting us to stick up children's work. I'm a teacher not a decorator.

[Going off] I've never stuck up work and I'm not strting now.

HELEN   Wendy, what do you think?

WENDY   He is so wrong. All pupil's work should be celebrated whatever their ability.

HELEN   Exactly.

WENDY   Even if it's a scrawl or a squggle - or even a blob on the paper. - it's the work of a child, one of God's little miracles.

HELEN   No - losing it now

WENDY   And we should stick it up. Who are we to sit in judgement on children?

HELEN   We're teachers. It's our job.

[To cam] I know what you're thinking. Why don't I work in a normal school?

Believe me, this is a normal school. Mind you, I sometimes wonder why I stay.

 

 

<TBC...>