The Stormcock Community

Scene 6

Int.store cupboard. Day One. Four pm.

Ben is in the store cupboard. It's a large windowless walk-in cupboard the size of a small study. I's cluttered with caretaking stuff. There is a gentle tap on the door outside and he lets Helen in.

HELEN   Ben. About this morning. It was great - really - but this little voice in my head keeps telling me I_

He kisses her. She kisses him back. Then.

BEN   Sorry, what does the little voice keep telling you?

HELEN   I've no idea. It's too little. I thought you might have gone off the idea.

BEN   [Shakes his head] I picked you some flowers.

He indicates some flowers in the mop bucket = he's placed the stems in the holes where you squeeze the mop.

HELEN   [Touched by his efforts] Aah. Thank you. Nice idea.

BEN   And I put a J cloth over the light to make it look more romantic.

          Bit basic I know, but_

HELEN   It's perfect. I feel like Mimi in La Boheme. Not when she's dying, obviously. But earlier.

BEN   And I got this barrel of creosote out of the shed.

HELEN   Bloody hell, what are you planning?

BEN   For you to sit on.

HELEN  Oh right. Right. Sit on.

BEN   I'll get the mat. I would have got one earlier but the was some boy in the gym counting them.

HELEN  Some very wierd children in this school.

Ben turns to go then turns back and kisses her.

BEN   Has anyone ever told you you're lovely?

HELEN   No-one over seven years old.

He goes. She goes all gooey and looks at the camera.

HELEN   God I think I'm in love. My tummy's all churned up and I can't stop shivering - so either I'm in love or I've got flu and wind at the same time.

[She burps] Oh no. Please don't let me burp in his face. That would not be attractive.

She looks at herself in the cracked mirror on the wall.

HELEN   I look terrible.

She tries to rub some colour into her lips., then gets a re marker biro out of her bag and applies that and rubs her lips together to spread the ink.

HELEN   That's better.

There is a tap on the door. Helen opens it.

HELEN   [Sexily]  That was quick. Do you do anything slowly?

It's Simon!!

SIMON   Try not to,  Miss. Mum says I'm quick at everything.

Helen stares.

I've got the answer to that question Miss.

HELEN   Good

[Closing the door] Bye

SIMON   [Opening it] It's twenty five thousand and forty two point five.

HELEN   Yes that's what I make it. Bye.

[She closes and then opens the door.] How did you know where to find me?

Simon   I saw you go in. That's another of my skills - noticing things. I'm going to be a policeman when I grow up.

HELEN   That's something we can look forward to.

SIMON   What shall I do now?

HELEN   Go away.

SIMON   No I mean what shall I work out?

HELEN   How many feet it is from here to your home. Starting now.

SIMON  OK. Bye.

He starts to go, counting the feet as he walks off.

SIMON   Shall I come back and tell you when I've done it?

HELEN   No.

He goes. Colin, the headteacher, appears in the doorway.

COLIN  Ah Helen.

HELEN   Oh God.

COLIN   Glad I've caught you.

[Lowers his voice] Is Mr Lovett there?

HELEN   [Wary] No. Why?

COLIN   Good.

[He joins her in the cupboard] A discreet word. Apparently his girlfriend has just dumped him.

HELEN   Oh dear.

COLIN   Yes. Crying shame.If she'd dumped him a month ago, he'd have had the holidays to get over it. Anyway, the thing is _

[He notices something]  Is that a J cloth.

HELEN   Oh yes. How peculiar.

COLIN   Hmmm. And he's got a bouquet in the bucket.

HELEN   Maybe it's the break up. It's sent him a bit odd.

COLIN   Yes, well - that's what I wanted to talk about. I think this break up could cause problems.

HELEN  [Wary] Really?

COLIN   I've been thinking - handsome young caretaker on the loose, before long he'll be after one of my attractive teachers....So I want you to keep an eye on Clare and Wendy.

HELEN...... Clare and Wendy, right.

COLIN   You and Linda needn'y worry, you'll have no trouble at all with him - but Clare and Wendy... well there are pretty aren't they?

HELEN   Yes. They are pretty.

COLIN  And they need protecting. This  is a school not Carry on Caretaker. So if he makes a move you get in his way.

HELEN   [Very definite] Don't you worry, I'll be all over him.

COLIN   Good. Because I do not want any hanky panky going on. That's why I've resisted the temptation myself.

HELEN   With the caretaker?

COLIN   No - obviously not with the caretaker. With members of staff. Believe me, that's been quite a struggle, the amount of temptation I get.

HELEN   [Finds this hard to believe] Really?

COLIN  Oh don't play the innocent Helen. I've seen the looks you and Linda give me. I know you both find me attractive.

[Helen looks amazed] But I've never reponded because I knew it would lead to trouble.

HELEN  You're right there. What sort of looks?

COLIN   Oh little smiles - little come hither glances. You're prbably not even aware you're doing it.

HELEN   No I'm not.

COLIN But you do it subconsciously. I've obviously got some sort of magnetic appeal or something. I get the same looks from most of the mothers. In fact from most most women I meet.

HELEN  Oh yes. Yes, definitely.

[Looks at her] You're doing it now. That little frown. Come hither.

HELEN   R...right.

COLIN  But don't worry, I shall resist.

HELEN   Good!

COLIN Because - as we both know - you cannot conduct a relationship in front of three hundred nosy children. It undermines your authority as a a teacher.

HELEN   [The truth of this hits home] Yes, yes. I suppose it would.

COLIN  So - see you tomorrow. And regards to your mother.

HELEN   Thank you.

He goes. Helen sighs. Then the door opens again and Ben is there with the mat.

 

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? CAN YOU HAVE THE LAST LAUGH?

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