The Stormcock Community

HELEN      Right! Come on then fantasy time! Make my day!

BEN          Well, umm, there is the Mellor Chelsea boxer shorts one where you  dress up as a Liverpool supporter and bend over the sink?

HELEN     Nah ! Don't like football!

BEN         What about playing hard to get? Not tonight Camilla?

HELEN    I like the HARD bit [wink]   but can't tolerate the system, royalty and all that purple vein blood lineage stuff! Look up PORPHYROGENITISM in you dicktionary next time; it sounds pornongraphic dunnit?

BEN       Well I could wrap the J Cloth around my head and pretend to be blind like the previous, previous Home Secretary who acted a bit previous?

HELEN   No! No! That's against Equal Opportunities Policy legislation! In my capacity as a teacher it would be classed as anti social abuse against disadvantaged politicians who are God and pay my wages!

BEN      Hummmm! Talking of politicians I could put on Stravinsky whilst you play with my trombone like Monica Lewdinsky? Clever poet aren't I? And I know it!

HELEN  No that's crap! Ground Zero humour! Think again!

BEN      What about voyeuristic sex with Spectators and dirty magazine readers ogling our every move on my webcam?

HELEN   No! Don't believe in the media anymore, especially the Page Three gutter brigade! Anyway how can you expect any normal girl to fancy someone with the name Boris?

BEN     Got it at last! I've heard that Pot Noodles have latent aphrodisiac qualities - especially the Extra Hot Edwina Curry flavour! Also I could dribble it onto your navel and lick it off accordingly. - thereby satisfying two hungers in one, allegedly, without prejudice of course!

HELEN   Brilliant! Now you are talking! I like a bit of submissive pain during the procedings! As long as you put that posh John Major Conservative voice on bossing me around?! FORWARDS NOT BACKWARDS!!

Knock at the door!

HELEN & BEN  [in unison] Aw Shite!!

HELEN   [whispering] I'll sort this out, you hide behind the door.

Opens door tentatively. It's Wendy Youngblood whom Ben fancies!

HELEN   [with fire in her eyes; snaps] Yes !! What!!

WENDY   Oh! Sorry Miss Milton I was looking for Benjy the Broom. Have I disturbed you? Why are you in his cupboard?

HELEN    Hell, no, how can you ever disturb me!!!  I am having to inspect the cleaning operation throughout the whole school for superbugs. It's one of my multi-task roles, quasi-delegated, flex-time jobs in accordance with the Health & Safety at Work Act 1974, Food Hygiene Act 1976, and European Environmental Protocal Act [Draft Amendment Number 47650] 2003. But I can't tell you anymore because the N.U.T. [they're all nuts aren't they? Ha! Ha! ] made me sign the Official Trade Union Secrets Act in tandem with the Data Protection Act 19... whenever; and if you wish to know more you'll have to enact an appeal under the Freedom of Information Act 2001 in triplicate [depending on further appeals / amendments of amendments] to the Headmaster. Do I make myself clear?

WENDY  [gulping] Golly gosh! No don't worry it's just that we've had a spillage in the Staffroom and I was looking for clean rag.

HELEN    Spillage? Staffroom? What's going on in my absence? I hope it's got nothing to do with lost coffee cups, Prozac and depressed teachers, or me?!

WENDY    No! No! It was actually when Colin The Head was in there with Linda and somehow all the crockery on the sideboard got moved sideways somehow.

HELEN     What?! Heavens above! At least someone sounds like their earth is moving for them!

She grabs an available rag and throws it in Wendy's face and slams the door.

To be cont....