HELEN [Shouting through the door] Okay Simon can you paint? Do you know anything about art?
SIMON Yeah I studied it whilst doing my criminal forensic diploma investigating adults who do not rear children properly.
HELEN Okay. Go and design a picture with an apt title of the most influential politician in the last ten decades whom the electorate believe to be the most altruistic.
SIMON Okay Miss! What medium shall I use? Wishy washy obfuscation watercolours? Cloudy dreamlike Blakey flakey Blair landscapes? Hot-air spin dry technique? Sychophantic sepia Brown colours? Brush with Bush strokes? Or....
HELEN That's a good one, you've got the idea! Use what ever medium you want! Why don't you go and paint a picture of the past Prime Minister maybe with any implements you like? [she loved the word implement it reminded her of being impaled upon something! She winked sexily again at a drooling Ben]
SIMON No problem! Tarrrraaa!!
HELEN Thank God for that! Now where were we? Which position were we contemplating?
BEN I've changed my mind. We could go French, German, Chinese, Egyptian? I've got a copy of the Karma Sutra hidden under the boiler if you need reference points.
HELEN [looking confused, starts to stroke his leg]
BEN [feeling more cocky in more ways than one] I'll give yer a clue doll [wink, wink] , I've got my moonlight job equipment in my big heavy bag.
HELEN [Cam : beaming eyes heavenwards - talking to Cam : "How romantic! He mentioned moonlight and he's being poetically metaphorical about his scrotum!] Oh yeah Big Boy! What's that then? [fondling him lovingly]
BEN With the tractor spring equipment spares and my rustic disguise for culling wild birds we could do the Germanic 'Four spring duck tecnik' whilst I shout 'Actung!' at you whilst raising my....
HELEN No, no! It always makes me vomit with all that bouncing around and reminds me of that Formula One guy and war atrocities. Tell me if you weren't a Caretaker in this life do you think you'd make a good Head?
Ben in reverie dreaming of all the connotations of the word 'head' whilst Helen gets more rigorous in her amorous attentions to him.
Another knock at the door!
COLIN Open up! It's me the Headmaster!!
BEN It's all over innit Miss Milton? He's on £50,000 a year with all the extra perks available and I'm on £4.75 an hour with no bonus for entertaining staff.
HELEN Aw cripes, I'm going to tell him where to stick it!
BEN What ? Stick what?! Where?
HELEN Don't ask!
Helen flings the door open , looking a bit dishevelled and flustered.
HELEN Colin! I've heard all about your shenanigans in the Staff Room! From my calculations you owe the Staff Coffee Benevolent Club Fund £7.49. I've got it all itemised and interest is added hourly at 10%! Do you get my drift? If you fail to pay forthwith the Union will have a full report in the morning for urgent remedial action! Remember they hate authority?
COLIN [physically shaking] Oh my God! My career is over! I just came to tell you....
HELEN [interrupting] That's enough I don't want to hear anymore! You are a waste of space and abusing your trusted position in all of them!
COLIN .....talking of positions I wondered if you....
HELEN No, no, I'm slightly indisposed at the moment. Is there anything else? I'm a very busy girl, things to do! [withering look]
COLIN Well, er, actually there is - we've had the police, six parents, the Samaritans, the local hospital and Social services on the phone. Since you've been at this school a big green man has been arrested on suspicion of abduction, some of your pupils are receiving counselling, Clare is seeking refuge in the battered teacher's institution, Simon was last seen muttering to himself in the Art room and Wendy's been looking for the caretaker to clean up the staffroom! What on earth is going on in my school?
Just then Helen's mobile phone vibrates silently in her pocket. Helen whispers in Ben's ear cowering behind the door.
HELEN Keep doing that lover boy it's turning me on; what do you reckon we could do with that nice soft toilet brush and non-perfumed sanitiser cream ,eh now?
Ben looks confused.
HELEN Oh it's the bloody phone! Excuse me Colin!
Slams door in his face.
COLIN Oh what's going on in there now?! Open up now!
BEN [pushes Helen out of the way] Leave this to me! I've had enough of this!
Does up his flies and opens door violently looking down on a hapless Colin.
BEN Look mate! I don't know why you're hanging around my yard. I'm the boss around here. Bugger off ! Otherwise I'll never empty your waste bin again; hide your porno mags hidden in your bottom drawer; tell the wife about you extra curricula activities; grass you up for smoking behind the bike sheds; leave the chewing gum stuck under your desk and not remove the anonymous graffiti that you put on the staff noticeboard!
COLIN Understand! Roger! Over and out!
BEN By the way the name's not Roger! Now go back to your study like a naughty little schoolboy otherwise! Comprendez Monsieur?
COLIN Sorry Ben! Just trying to do my job! You just take care cos I've heard about you bringing your relationship problems to my establishment!
BEN Sorry Sir, but Data Protection Act precludes me saying anything else,and, it's not your establishment it's ours! Bye...
HELEN [on phone] Hello , hello who is it? Oh it's you Simon! What's happening my precocious precious? Oh ! You've done the project, brilliant! What was that ? A picture of Tony Blair's smile painted in mutli-coloured toothpaste with a toothbrush? Awesome! Ingenious! How imaginative! Almost new Tate Gallery current arsetheticness! I hope he's not sponsored by Colgate otherwise he'll have to declare it to the Parliamentary Molar Monitoring Disclosure Commitee?!
SIMON Also Miss, I'm doing Business Studies next term and I've got this wicked commercial idea to sell them as minature Tony Blair smiley smellies hanging in toilet bowls [their smell by date lasts for four years!]. It should make a fortune out of dripping foreskins!
HELEN Absolutely amazing!! Shall we meet at mine tonight to discuss a possible business partnership?
Helen looks at the Camera and raises her eyes and mouths " MEN!"
Final picture of her outside walking off hand in hand with Simon towards a sunset.
Copyright WATTERSON 2005 & 2008